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A/N: The character Shane and some of the things that he does (the scene in the class room and the scene in the hall to be exact) were originally inspired from the actions of a character I read once in another original m/m short story. If I ever find the author or story again, I'll give him/her the utmost credit. Donald, Reid, and all other people and attributes of the "Anderson High School" crowd are mine.
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SHATTERED
By Donald Calvin
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Grade 12 was shaping up to be an interesting year for me. It was my last year of high school after all-- and the last year I had the opportunity to shine as the best in my class. Soon I would be looking into what scholarships I could get and what university or technical institute I would be attending, come next September. I was on top of my world...
That is, until Shane happened.
But I didn't know that Shane was going to happen yet in crisp cool days of October. Yes, in October it looked like things in my life were just going to get even better to say the least. It was probably becoming a most interesting year for Reid as well, who, in our grade 12 year had somehow ended up in the same English class as me again. In fact he still sat on the other side of the room... directly across from me.
During those first couple months of the school year I would often catch him gazing at me from across the room; the look on his face-- curious. His expression almost seemed to say he didn't believe what went on in last couple of months of grade 11 had really happened, and he didn't believe that we were still friends now. Then he would catch me studying him, and make a face... he would screw up his mouth into a pout, then stick his tongue out at me. Which would cause me to fall into a cascade of muffled giggles.
Yup. I giggled. I didn't chuckle. I giggled. (Aren't I brave to admit that?) Michelle, my best female friend, would tease me about it all the time, about how I covered my mouth and snickered away. With concern I would question her on whether she felt it was a little too feminine or not, and she would say "no". That it was just "cute", and then *she* would giggle.
Same difference if you really think about it.
Being too cute was a huge concern for me. By that time, especially since my... encounter... back when, I was awfully concerned about being around other guys. I accurately figured out that a lot of that "cuteness" of mine would only lead to more problems. I was more than a little jumpy in Phys. Ed. class... I changed in the corner, trying my best to look inconspicuous. I think Reid (he was in my Phys. Ed. class too! Yay!! ... I just wrote a "yay". :p Michelle is a bad influence on me...) Anyway, I think Reid picked up on my concern. Within two classes I had him changing right near me in my corner. Which made me feel just a little bit safer. And then a couple of classes after that I had a Mike changing in the corner with me as well. Which made me feel doubly safe. :)
I did notice something about Reid and Mike that I didn't figure out until later-- Mike would keep sending Reid suspicious glances, of which Reid usually caught, did a semi-shrug thing too, and then turn away, deliberately ignoring him. More than once I was tempted to pipe up "what's going on between you too?" but then I would catch my tongue. You see guys don't actually talk in the locker room, they only laugh and joke about sports and girls and sex and stuff. So all in all me questioning them about it during changing would not have been a good thing. It didn't fit any of the categories of things that I was allowed to talk about without drawing attention to myself.
Anyway, back to the point.
There was this other guy in my English class whose name was Shane. Now Shane sat next to me and to my left in that class, and he happened to be one of those dorks who used to hang out with Reid, and *did* hang out with Logan. (I knew for a fact that he didn't hang out with Reid anymore... Reid had always been a little bit aloof and distant, but when Reid started hanging around Mike and I he completely alienated himself. Instead of hanging around Shane and them he did things like retreat to the library at the breaks like the rest of us geeks, even though he was still cool... anyway.)
I had slowly but surely come to the realization that Shane was gay. No really. I didn't know if it was just because I was now hyper-sensitive about the subject or what, but I noticed. Shane... he hung out with another guy named John, who Raye (Michelle's friend) would babble constantly about. She though he was very cute... (nearly as cute as Mike, who she also liked to babble about constantly... but that's off topic.)
Shane had longish hair, to his shoulders, was about 6'1, and had to be at least 200 pounds at least. He had a huge football player-like build. Which made sense because he *was* a football player. Despite the fact that he was built extremely well, his face had feminine/fine/babyface features-like which made him very attractive (to the girls at least.) He also had very broad shoulders, something else I was pretty darn sure I would never have, (but Reid, on the other hand, was sorta like built that.)
The point is is Shane and John were always making gay jokes, or gay references to the other players but never enough to let anyone in on their joking. I, for the most part, ignored them, but I do have the ability to pick up on disturbing things. And the disturbing thing I picked up once... well. That had something to do with a noticing a hand being in the wrong place at the wrong time. I was fairly sure I was the only one who had caught the grope.
Anyhow, sometime in November Shane decided to notice my existence.
We had to work on our group projects in our English class that day, and thus our class was a noisy hub of activity. As usual I was the odd one out... Reid would pair with Mike, which was normal. They liked to be paired together because then they would get to slack together. The first couple of times I had to be with a group that year I had been with them and I had tried my best to work with them, but then I just gave up. They wouldn't do any work anyway, I could yell at them until I was blue in the face. That was okay, I have always kind of had this mentality of that the rules didn't apply to me anyway, and so after that whenever the teacher called for groups, I would wisely bury my head in the course material and ignore her. It was much easier for me to do my work separately. She seemed to understand, because she never made that big of a deal about it.
Oh, and our projects were on Hamlet.
Fascinating play, Hamlet. The teacher had left the room for a bit and the radio was on, playing something light. On this particular day, I had my nose in the play as I weaved my way though the rest of the semi rowdy students on my way to the pencil sharpener. In fact I was so incredibly engrossed in my book that I accidentally bumped into Shane from behind, who was already there. I instantly blushed. I hadn't meant too... maybe if I wasn't so preoccupied with Hamlet... I glanced up nervously, only to see that the other boy wasn't paying any attention to me. Which was good. He left, I sharpened my pencil.
I turned back and started towards my desk... only to have no one but Shane standing in my way. I muttered a quick demure "excuse me" and tried to get around him... only to have him move with me, blocking me again. Startled, I looked up at him.
"You want it don't you?" he asked me under his breath.
I blinked up at him. What? I didn't say anything, but I'm sure he read the expression on my face.
"You know what I mean." He continued languidly, half smirking down at me.
You know, I think I knew *what* he meant, but at that moment in time I didn't even want to think about it. "Wh- what?" I stuttered out. I looked behind myself quickly. He had me within a foot or so of the wall. I looked back again, wide-eyed.
Which turned out to be a mistake. He kind of, well, grabbed himself. "Want this." I couldn't help it, I looked down at him, then back up again really quickly, flushing. Getting very nervous and very flustered, I attempted to push past him, to escape into the rest of the English classroom. "No."
No luck. One of his strong arms caught mine, holding me there quite perfectly. He leaned over and whispered, "You want to suck my cock." I felt his lips actually brush my left ear.
Gulping down acute fear, I turned around and looked at him dead in the eye. "N-No. No I don't." I repeated with as much courage as I could.
He merely smiled and let me go. I darted back to the safety of my desk as fast as I could.
It amazes me that today no one noticed him intimidating me, and the class was packed. When the bell rang that day, he stayed at his desk, which I had to pass by in order to exit the room. I had stayed a little later and had hoped that he would leave with the rest of the kids, but no. Mike and Reid had left already, presumably to go smoke outside... and I didn't have the teacher to back me up. She had come back for about five minutes and left again. I guess she had to "teach" in another room that period...
Great. Which meant that I got to deal with Mr. You-wanna-suck-my... you know what. As I marshaled my courage and walked passed, trying my best to look inconspicuous, he grabbed my arm, and turned me around, with enough force to get my attention but not enough to make anyone else perhaps passing in the hall notice anything was up.
My heart began to pound about a mile a minute. Breathing shallowly I stood there not looking at him as he leaned his head down so that it was really close to my ear. "I know." He said very softly.
Startled I looked up at him. No... he couldn't possibly know about...
He did, I could tell by the knowing smirk that crawled across his face. I gulped. Oh no...
"You'll do it..." He continued. "Because you don't want everyone else to know." He then paused and smiled and said a little bit loudly, "But don't feel bad, everyone wants my cock in their mouth."
Fear does the strangest things to a person. As soon as he had finished talking I both went as pale as a ghost and I also got aroused for some unknown reason... I got a hard on, the kind that you only get when you're 12 years old-- the kind that hurt. I wasn't 12 though-- I was 17. And petrified. And not only that he had to notice the damn thing and put his hand on it, pushing me backward towards the door. "Go to class asshole." he said to me and winked.
A look of terror must have crossed my face because he grinned at me and blew a kiss before I turned and practically fled out of the room.
"Donald."
Ohhh... crap. I actually recognized the voice way before I even had to turn around, and I stopped stock still in the middle of the mostly empty hallway. Trembling. With partial fear, partial shame. If he found out he'd kill me...
"Hey," Reid continued when he caught up to me. "What's up?"
His voice didn't sound ominous. So obviously he didn't know. "Nothing much." I said casually as I could, but my voice still came out in an odd nervous squeak. I shook my head ever so slightly, trying to calm myself down a bit. He didn't know. He hadn't seen. Nothing was up. I forced myself to continue walking down the hall.
He was silent for a moment as he fell into casual step with me. "I think there is." he replied finally.
I glanced at him very quickly. He was looking down at me with a skeptical eyebrow raised.
I shrugged and looked away.
We turned a corner. He wasn't even walking in the direction of his next class, I realized with dulled panic. It was taking all the concentration I had to focus on not letting any emotion show on my face.
He was silent until almost all the way down the next hallway. Then he stepped in front of me, stopping me in the spot and then he turned. He looked down at me with a puzzled and concerned look on his face. I stared up at him. I wasn't used to that sort of look on his face. In fact I think that was maybe the second time EVER I had seen him look at anything like that.
"What's wrong?" He asked abruptly.
My jaw clenched. "Nothing." I snapped. I had turned my voice angry to disguise my nervousness.
He frowned, leaning a minute bit closer to me. "There is something wrong." He said.
"No there isn't!"
He raised an eyebrow again. "Then why are you yelling?" He asked, a hint of exasperation in his voice.
I flushed, then breathed in deeply, slowly getting control over my emotions back. "It's nothing." I said finally, calmly. "Nothing's wrong. Now I'm going to class. If you'll excuse me..." I attempted to duck past him.
Genuine concern crossed his face again. "Donald..." he began, reaching out and grasping my upper arm gently.
I snapped. I don't even know why exactly... I thought I had regained command over my emotions-- but obviously I hadn't. I completely lost it. I wrenched my arm free with a violence that surprised me incredibly, and then I turned on him. "LEAVE ME ALONE!!!" I screamed at him, loud enough that a passing teacher glared and gave me "do you want me to come over there and help you get him expelled" kind of look. I had to calm down, I thought desperately, or... "Look," I spoke quietly, trying my best to bring my hyperventilating and wildly pounding heart under control. "It's nothing Reid... please. I-I just want to be left alone right now."
He stared at me for a very long moment. Finally he shrugged and stuffed his hands in his pockets. Without breathing another word he turned from me and casually walked away.
I looked after him until he had disappeared around the corner but he didn't turn back. For some reason that hurt a little bit. I don't know why it would... after all I had basically just told him to take a hike... but it did.
I didn't see Reid or talk to Reid much at all in the weeks to come. Reid was never vocal much in the first place, so that wasn't a huge change. Whenever we did talk it was very cool and clipped... at least on my part. I don't know why. I just couldn't talk to him. I felt nervous... afraid almost. Then when it was obvious he wasn't going to do anything, I got cynical... sarcastic. Even borderline MEAN. I don't know why, but I couldn't be civil. It was so strange... it wasn't like me at all. It *wasn't* "me" at all, to be mean to someone. But still Reid didn't do anything. Which was funny to me as well... I used to be so good at provoking him. In fact all I had to do was breath. Or be nice. Either one would get my butt kicked. And I took it, and I took it and I took it... and smiled as I did.
Now though... things were different. Way different. After a while of trying to figure out what my problem was and not getting anywhere, Reid would just give up, shrug, and wander away. And a little while after that he just gave up completely.
And then...
And then I was absolutely miserable.
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The worst of it was that Shane wasn't letting up. At all. He would continue his little games... winking at me whenever I made the mistake of crossing glances with him. Pinching my butt on occasion. Once he managed to get me against a locker somehow in a middle of a very crowded hallway and even got a good grope in on me. I very nearly screamed rape and probably would have had I not been trembling so hard.
I did talk to Michelle about it, but I never gave her any details. Just said that Shane was threatening me. She would nod sympathetically and offer to have her and her best friend Raye kick his butt, to which I would say NO... there was nothing more degrading for a guy, even a guy like me, then to have a girl offer to fight your fights for you.
I didn't talk to Reid about it at all obviously. I didn't talk to him anymore. I didn't even see him anymore really. I tried my best not too look at him in English class. In our eyes did meet I would look away quickly.
The funniest thing though, was that sometimes I felt like I could sense his presence around me when I wasn't looking. The most predominant example of this was Phys. Ed. class... him and Mike still changed near me. Even if our conversations were always cool and kept to non-committal small talk, he still was there. It was like a silent comfort in my world that had suddenly become incredibly cold and lonely.
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